For me, the best part of this story is that you told your ex-wife the truth, even after the fact. As someone who was similarly betrayed, the not knowing has always bothered me, even though I am long past the event, and he is now long married to the 'mistress'. I've resigned myself to the idea it simply doesn't matter any more, but there remained such a deep frustration for me, as a highly intuitive person, having been told something wasn't happening when I sensed, even 'knew' that it was. I would deeply appreciate having my own knowing validated, and I would have valued an apology that included the whole story more than the generic "I was a bad boyfriend, I'm sorry." Above all, I despise being lied to. I admire that you came fully clean. I think it helps a woman's healing process. Maybe yours as well.
Yes, but it would be nice for it be acknowledged that the lies guys tell us often hurt worse and leave more damage than being cheated on, because we begin to doubt and lose trust in ourselves, and that is very difficult to regain.
Thank you for sharing this powerful and vulnerable piece, Townsend. It's a remarkably honest account of how small compromises can gradually lead to life-altering consequences. The metaphor of the frog in heating water perfectly captures how easily we can rationalize each step away from our values until we've traveled somewhere we never intended to go. What makes your reflection so valuable is that it doesn't just acknowledge the mistakes made, but also explores the self-deception that enabled them and the difficult path toward rebuilding integrity. By sharing this painful personal journey, you're offering others a chance to recognize similar patterns in their own lives before facing similar devastation – that's an act of genuine courage and compassion, my friend.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been struggling sharing my own story of cheating and now I feel less scared to do so. Cheating is horrible, but until you have been there, you don’t realize it’s not so black & white. I believe the ones who’ve walked the path we have and come out with serious lessons- we are the safest ones to be with bc our boundaries with the opposite sex are now different. There is no “innocent” flirting or any such thing. Now when I’m in a committed relationship- nobody approaches my table bc I give off the impression I’m taken and not to be talked to. I’m not nasty to anyone but I’m not approachable either.
Exactly. But in order to ever understand that gray we talked ourselves into, means we have to go inside and see what black & white parts of us are missing as well as reflect on all the little things we did that led us to the affair. Affairs & cheating of any kind do not start overnight nor do they start the moment we bump into the affair partner…. They start long before. One of my favorite books about this topic is “we’re just friends”- I forgot the authors name- but it really starts with boundaries bc feelings start when we don’t have many, if any at all. I’ve been on both ends of cheating as I was cheated on many times before I ever participated in that hurtful deed. Both sides give amazing insight and valuable lessons but I believe the repented cheaters perspective is the most valuable. Just my two-cents.
It is all about me… not sure where you got the idea I was saying it wasn’t. I’ll point out again that you do not share or post any original thoughts, ideas, or experiences of your own. That is your choice, of course. Everyone does what works for them.
I gotta say Mr. never wrong (but always)- thank you for the headline bc I think that would grab attention. Funny how the trolls are always the ones who don’t have the courage to bare their souls but have a lot of judgement to throw.
Well Never Wrong….(but probably always)-We can’t all be perfect like you. I’m guessing you were cheated on and haven’t learned YOUR lessons from that experience and instead blame only the cheater. Some of us actually learn from mistakes and let go of the shame around them AND share the lessons. Our past does not predict our future. It’s really sad to see such small minded individuals especially on this platform.
I applaud anyone brave enough to write on the topic of infidelity, thank you so much for sharing with us. I see you warning other people to behave and I'm also so curious about your honest thoughts on the system of marriage generally, with it's 50% divorce rate and untold numbers of people in the other 50% just surviving, unhappily, because they agreed it's "until death do us part." Feels like there's a larger conversation that is so rarely spoken into beyond the advice to "behave."
I love your question Avalon… For me it’s not about behaving it’s about integrity. One of the paradox’s of the power of giving our word (till death do us part) is that we must be able to take back our word. Otherwise, a word has power over us rather than us having our word to use powerfully. As others have mentioned in the comments, infidelity is the symptom not the root cause of the problem. Seeking anything outside of our primary relationship is a function of either wanting more or not getting what we desire from that relationship. If we don’t make this a question about morals… Wanting more affection, appreciation, or even sex is something everyone experiences in their relationship. It’s what happens next that matters. Is this desire for “more” shared or suppressed? If it is suppressed, we are out of integrity with ourselves. This is a nuanced conversation so I will stop there.
Thanks Townsend, for your additional thoughts. I love your use of the word suppression - YES! - and trying to share what's happening truthfully, and in my opinion, without the expectation that the person you're sharing it with has any responsibility to provide what you are asking for (we all feel when someone is faking it to make us feel okay). As I've been writing my way through my own affair, I've learned that it was the structure of marriage itself that kept me small and afraid to be honest.
Thank you for being brutally vulnerable about your experience Townsend.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -Viktor Frankl
I notice this image was used in another post that received a lot of attention. Infidelity can create a visceral response in a lot of people. While I can appreciate what you might be sharing, I think the imagery just feeds into the stereotype of women’s insecurities.
It’s almost a coded message: “Hey ladies, you gotta watch your man!” No. Actually I don't need to watch my man or be insecure. I don't want to be with any man that wants to be with another woman. Go for it! I expect men to show me respect. If any man ever turned around like that in my presence, it would be the first and the last time.
I'm glad I've never felt that sense of insecurity.
Thank you for your courage and heart. My journey was very similar to yours brother. Landing on integrity honesty, and compassion. This work, is what evolves us deeper and deeper into love.👏🏽✨
For me, the best part of this story is that you told your ex-wife the truth, even after the fact. As someone who was similarly betrayed, the not knowing has always bothered me, even though I am long past the event, and he is now long married to the 'mistress'. I've resigned myself to the idea it simply doesn't matter any more, but there remained such a deep frustration for me, as a highly intuitive person, having been told something wasn't happening when I sensed, even 'knew' that it was. I would deeply appreciate having my own knowing validated, and I would have valued an apology that included the whole story more than the generic "I was a bad boyfriend, I'm sorry." Above all, I despise being lied to. I admire that you came fully clean. I think it helps a woman's healing process. Maybe yours as well.
Speaking the full Truth is the only path to full healing for the liar.
Confession is powerful.
Yes, but it would be nice for it be acknowledged that the lies guys tell us often hurt worse and leave more damage than being cheated on, because we begin to doubt and lose trust in ourselves, and that is very difficult to regain.
“The lies guys tell us…”
Thank you for sharing this powerful and vulnerable piece, Townsend. It's a remarkably honest account of how small compromises can gradually lead to life-altering consequences. The metaphor of the frog in heating water perfectly captures how easily we can rationalize each step away from our values until we've traveled somewhere we never intended to go. What makes your reflection so valuable is that it doesn't just acknowledge the mistakes made, but also explores the self-deception that enabled them and the difficult path toward rebuilding integrity. By sharing this painful personal journey, you're offering others a chance to recognize similar patterns in their own lives before facing similar devastation – that's an act of genuine courage and compassion, my friend.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been struggling sharing my own story of cheating and now I feel less scared to do so. Cheating is horrible, but until you have been there, you don’t realize it’s not so black & white. I believe the ones who’ve walked the path we have and come out with serious lessons- we are the safest ones to be with bc our boundaries with the opposite sex are now different. There is no “innocent” flirting or any such thing. Now when I’m in a committed relationship- nobody approaches my table bc I give off the impression I’m taken and not to be talked to. I’m not nasty to anyone but I’m not approachable either.
You are very brave to share this.
❤️🙏🏻
Exactly. But in order to ever understand that gray we talked ourselves into, means we have to go inside and see what black & white parts of us are missing as well as reflect on all the little things we did that led us to the affair. Affairs & cheating of any kind do not start overnight nor do they start the moment we bump into the affair partner…. They start long before. One of my favorite books about this topic is “we’re just friends”- I forgot the authors name- but it really starts with boundaries bc feelings start when we don’t have many, if any at all. I’ve been on both ends of cheating as I was cheated on many times before I ever participated in that hurtful deed. Both sides give amazing insight and valuable lessons but I believe the repented cheaters perspective is the most valuable. Just my two-cents.
"How I achieved enlightenment by cheating on my partner"
Amazing stuff
That’s what you got from my post? Nice work.
The reply was to someone else, Townsend. But well done for illustrating you still have work to do on 'its not all about you"
It is all about me… not sure where you got the idea I was saying it wasn’t. I’ll point out again that you do not share or post any original thoughts, ideas, or experiences of your own. That is your choice, of course. Everyone does what works for them.
I gotta say Mr. never wrong (but always)- thank you for the headline bc I think that would grab attention. Funny how the trolls are always the ones who don’t have the courage to bare their souls but have a lot of judgement to throw.
Amazing stuff!! 🤣👏👏👏
Well Never Wrong….(but probably always)-We can’t all be perfect like you. I’m guessing you were cheated on and haven’t learned YOUR lessons from that experience and instead blame only the cheater. Some of us actually learn from mistakes and let go of the shame around them AND share the lessons. Our past does not predict our future. It’s really sad to see such small minded individuals especially on this platform.
I applaud anyone brave enough to write on the topic of infidelity, thank you so much for sharing with us. I see you warning other people to behave and I'm also so curious about your honest thoughts on the system of marriage generally, with it's 50% divorce rate and untold numbers of people in the other 50% just surviving, unhappily, because they agreed it's "until death do us part." Feels like there's a larger conversation that is so rarely spoken into beyond the advice to "behave."
I love your question Avalon… For me it’s not about behaving it’s about integrity. One of the paradox’s of the power of giving our word (till death do us part) is that we must be able to take back our word. Otherwise, a word has power over us rather than us having our word to use powerfully. As others have mentioned in the comments, infidelity is the symptom not the root cause of the problem. Seeking anything outside of our primary relationship is a function of either wanting more or not getting what we desire from that relationship. If we don’t make this a question about morals… Wanting more affection, appreciation, or even sex is something everyone experiences in their relationship. It’s what happens next that matters. Is this desire for “more” shared or suppressed? If it is suppressed, we are out of integrity with ourselves. This is a nuanced conversation so I will stop there.
Thanks Townsend, for your additional thoughts. I love your use of the word suppression - YES! - and trying to share what's happening truthfully, and in my opinion, without the expectation that the person you're sharing it with has any responsibility to provide what you are asking for (we all feel when someone is faking it to make us feel okay). As I've been writing my way through my own affair, I've learned that it was the structure of marriage itself that kept me small and afraid to be honest.
🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for being brutally vulnerable about your experience Townsend.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -Viktor Frankl
100% and once we learn that this space exists we have choice… we are Free!
That’ll PREACH!!!
🙏🏻❤️
I write about all facets of cheating and this gradual process is spot on. Very well written.
❤️🙏🏻
I notice this image was used in another post that received a lot of attention. Infidelity can create a visceral response in a lot of people. While I can appreciate what you might be sharing, I think the imagery just feeds into the stereotype of women’s insecurities.
It’s almost a coded message: “Hey ladies, you gotta watch your man!” No. Actually I don't need to watch my man or be insecure. I don't want to be with any man that wants to be with another woman. Go for it! I expect men to show me respect. If any man ever turned around like that in my presence, it would be the first and the last time.
I'm glad I've never felt that sense of insecurity.
Brave man for writing this. True words. Thank you for sharing.
I’m in that war zone right now:)
It doesn't just apply to infidelity but to living out of alignment in general in any way.
Thanks for sharing your painful experience & lessons learned.
🙏🏻❤️
Great reporting, Townsend. Thanks for the spirit of this piece!
Thank you for your courage and heart. My journey was very similar to yours brother. Landing on integrity honesty, and compassion. This work, is what evolves us deeper and deeper into love.👏🏽✨
❤️🙏🏻
Beautifully shared, Townsend.
🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌
Oh my fucking God!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙏🏻❤️